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WEEKS FRONT PAGE STORIES... |
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Hollywood, CA – August 4th, 2006 – Spielberg-Gibson Project on Hold Indefinitely – Two of Hollywoods’ biggest heavyweights have decided to at least temporarily pull the plug on a co-produced, co-directed blockbuster hopeful slated to start production in Israel during late August. Announced through their spokespeople, both Gibson and Spielberg mutually agreed to halt any and all discussions on future plans to work together on this or any other project. The two had planned to share duties on a screenplay loosely based on Malcolm Clark’s book Islam for Dummies. Spielberg’s camp also emphasized that this decision was in no way reached due to recent allegations of Gibson’s vitriolic anti-semitic remarks. However, Spielberg has cancelled a promised two-martini lunch with Gibson at Morton’s trendy Figueroa street location planned for tomorrow. Gibson’s spokesperson claimed that Mel was somewhat relieved about the cancellation, as Spielberg never leaves more than a five percent tip, and Gibson is always forced to pick up the tab.
Houston, TX - August 4th, 2006 – Andrea Yates’ Babysitting Service off to Rocky Start – The Houston mother who drowned five of her own children and who was recently found not guilty in her second trial due to reasons of insanity is once again unhappy. This time it seems the lack of demand for her new babysitting service is at the root of Yates’ depression. Her lawyer, Mark Herbst commented on his client “Andrea feels that prospective parents might be being a bit too reluctant with entrusting their children to her care, because of a momentary lapse of judgment she had that occurred years ago with her own children.” Herbst also stated that Andrea has the most aggressive pricing structure for a babysitter in the Houston-metro area, offering new customers a one week free trial period, and an iron clad guarantee that children will have been recently bathed before parents come to pick them up. Yates however refuses to offer any type of guarantee on whether children will be alive when parents come to pick them up.
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A Film Based on His Book now In Question, Malcolm Clark may be Searching for a New Production Crew |
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Yates Promoting her new Babysitting Service Outside a Texas Courthouse |
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LAST WEEK'S FRONTPAGE STORIES...
Paris, France, Socialist Bloc – July 28th, 2006 – French Workers Upset about New Law Requiring Work be Done, Any Type of Work – For the fifth time in as many weeks, French workers have went to the streets demanding that their government implement a maximum twelve hour work week for everyone in France, excluding government workers who are currently only required to work six hours per week. This strong backlash by the majority of the French populace is forcing their government to rethink its policy regarding the relationship between work and its rather oxymoronic coupling with the French worker. Francois Bedouit, Head of France’s Machinist Union spoke on the issue, “ils s'attendent à ce que nous travaillent, nous exigent des heures supplémentaires pour n'importe quoi plus de douze heures, plus une coupure quinze de tabagisme minute par heure” [translated: “they expect us to work, we require overtime for anything over twelve hours, plus one fifteen minute smoking break per hour”]. French productivity which has grown at the unprecedented anemic rate of negative 7.6% since 1995 is expected to go further into the red. The United Nations has pledged assistance to French workers via drop shipments of non-American tobacco products.
Hollywood, CA – July 28th, 2006 – Jeopardy ‘Winning Streak Guy’ to Appear on that Gameshow with Whammys® - Ken Jennings, the man who was victorious in seventy-four straight Jeopardy® appearances and current lover of the show’s host Alex Trebek, has decided to try his luck on a different game show. Jennings commented on his new foray, “I think the world needs to know that Ken Jennings is a versatile contestant whatever the venue, those Whammys better be prepared for Ken Jennings.” Former Tic Tac Dough® host Wink Martindale wasn’t as optimistic about Jenning’s new challenge, “Ken has the brains, that’s not in question, but Press Your Luck® contestants must encompass a different skill set, to which I think Jennings will be not be up to task – those darn Whammys are so quick.” Martindale who was the only game show host ever permanently banned from hosting due to the widely publicized event of his betting on contestants, is offering 3 to 1 odds that Jennings will not make it to a third appearance against the Whammys. To place your bet log on to www.winkmartindale.com.
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Madison, WI – June 9th, 2006 – Hillary to Come-out in 2008, of Closet - The inescapable decision to come out was finally made by Hillary Clinton yesterday while speaking at a Womyn’s Study symposium at the University of Wisconsin. Speaking in front of a rainbowed backdrop of Reddy Helen’s I am Woman lyrics, Senator Clinton told a group of mostly disgruntled, short-haired females that she was prepared to take the leap into lesbianism in January of 2008. Three males were also in attendance to fulfill their Humanity Studies requirement. The Senator remarked that today would be too soon to go down [that path] but the start of 2008 seemed just right. “I want all of America to know that dikes are more than just the safety barriers that President Bush destroyed in New Orleans,” Clinton shouted to a chorus of cheers. Political strategist, James Carville thinks this decision alone will give Senator Clinton a ten percent leap in the Berkeley straw poll next week. The weekly publication Globe was quick to capitalize on the Senator’s pronouncement as their latest weekly has released photographs of Hillary fondling former Attorney General, Janet Reno at an all night dance party. Clinton’s press secretary, Bella Abzug, has stated that the photos were taken out of context, and that it was actually Bill Clinton who was doing the fondling of Reno. |
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Hillary Thanks Her Newest Group (of supporters) |
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I'm coming out - so it's time to get this all night dance party started! |
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www.faxlesswebloan.com |
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Like Uncle, Like Nephew |
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www.goldlineloans.com |
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Links to the Best News Available |
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