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Plains, GA – February 17^th, 2006 – Former President Carter Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Thirty Years Too Late – Doctors of the former peanut farming President Jimmy Carter released news on his condition today. Just two days ago Carter was rushed to an Atlanta area hospital by his wife Rosalyn, after complaining of causing pains in the neck to those around him. His primary physician has determined that Carter has been suffering from extremely late term Alzheimer’s Disease, most likely contracted sometime during the 1976 primaries. Dr. Emil Ahboud commented that “President Carter has severe Alzheimer induced dementia and may also be suffering from what the Rochester Clinic recently determined was Scheissecephalus or ‘shit on the brain’.” Despite his condition, the eighty-three year old Carter seemed in good spirits while waving at fire trucks and ambulances from his hospital window. Incoherently, he also spoke to hospital staff about his plan on having the hostages released from Iran by Christmas. His newly diagnosed condition has sparked speculation that he may be a front-runner for the Democratic ticket in 2008. In other news, Ted Kennedy and Al Gore have cancelled a planned Grouse hunting outing they were to go on with Dick Cheney in March.

New Orleans, LA – January 20^th, 2006 – New Orlean’s Mayor Sticks Chocolate Foot in Chocolate Mouth – The boisterous, finger-pointing Mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin is under fire this week for an exhortation made in front a group of marginally employed supporters. The Mayor, who spoke of rebuilding New Orleans as a “Chocolate City as the way God wanted it” has been under pressure to make an apology or in the very least offer an explanation for his outrageous comments. Nagin stated that his inciting remarks came after “a long bender of a weekend” - a weekend that included hanging out with close friend and former District of Columbia Mayor, Marion Berry. Nagin offered the excuse of a “foggy mind” and said things still seemed a bit cloudy after his speech. The glassy-eyed Mayor was seen hurriedly leaving his speech with close confidant and former Dallas Cowboy star, Michael Irvin. A spokeswoman for Nagin stated that “the Mayor has been under a lot of pressure since finding out that the President of the United States does not care about black people.” ABC has capitalized on Nagin’s comments and will be asking Bill Cosby to come back for a Friday evening time slot this spring as host for a new show called Black Opportunists Say The Darndest Things.

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Montpelier, VT – January 20^th, 2006 – Vermont’s Pedophile Population Swells Dramatically – In just the few short weeks since a Vermont judge gave a lenient sentence to a pedophile, the state has added nearly sixty-eight thousand registered sex offenders to its ranks. Coming from as far away as Thailand, Vermont is quickly becoming a hedonistic mecca for those who enjoy sexually abusing young boys and girls. The National Association of Men-Boy Love (NAMBLA) is planning to move its headquarters to Montpelier by May of this year while the state’s sheep population is beginning to breathe sighs of relief. In addition, Vermont’s infrastructure is being seriously tested as the state works ferociously to build new high rises near grade schools. Barre resident and mother of five young children, Jennifer Bohn commented that “Vermont is filling up quickly, my phone has been ringing off the hook asking about the babysitting position I’ve been advertising.” Vermont Teddy Bear has been deluged with orders and Ben & Jerry’s newest flavor, Innocent Young Nougat has surpassed Cherry Garcia as their best seller. Former Democratic front runner Howard Dean told the media, “Vermont has become not only a wonderful place to raise a family, but a great place to find a puerile lover.”

Washington, D.C., February 3^rd, 2006 – Bush Apparently Confused: Addresses Nation on State of the Unions – President Bush seemingly befuddled due to his speech writing staff taking advantage of their numerous accrued sick days, spoke to Americans on Tuesday night about the state of unions in America. With myriad charts and graphs brought in at the last moment, the President highlighted the massive problems facing unionism in America. His extemporaneous confabulation was going quite smoothly, until the President accidentally aimed his laser pointer at Dick Cheney’s face. Cheney was taken to a Washington area hospital, for the first time ever in an event not related to his impaired heart. The President concluded his speech by asking all Americans to actively form unions before it’s too late, not leaving anyone out he also asked gay unions to be formed in any state that will allow them. Members of Congress refused to comment on the President’s speech as they had voted for a strike earlier in the day.

Chicago, IL – February 3rd, 2006 – Playboy cancels ‘Girls of the DMV’ After Focus Group Results - Trying to end a decade long run of sagging subscriptions, Playboy has been working closely with focus groups in an attempt to better determine what their “readers” like. Playboy’s marketing executives are long on ideas, but unfortunately many of their ideas have been scrapped by their new focus group approach. Case in point, the recently vetoed “Girls of the DMV” was determined unworthy of publication. After waiting in line for a combined five hundred seventy-eight hours, three Playboy photographers were only able to capture a handful of photos, four of which caused vomiting among nearly all of those in the focus group. Steven Goldman, Director of Marketing commented that, “Finding attractive women in the public sector is a real task, fortunately one of our photographers had to renew his driver’s license, so he was officially off the clock.” Goldman also stated that in hindsight targeting Chicago’s south side DMV’s for candidates was an egregious error. A focus group is set to view photos tomorrow from Playboy’s “Women of the U.S. Postal Service” shoot, barring a miracle, this edition will also not reach your local magazine rack.

Chicago, IL – March 11th, 2005 – Cream of Wheat Guy to Wed Quaker Oat Hermaphrodite – In an event sure to surprise the hot cereal world, the Cream of Wheat Guy has proposed to the Quaker Oat’s “person” and it has accepted. Both in their seventies, this will be the first interracial-hermaphrodite wedding in breakfast cereal history. Long thought to be modeled after the former first lady, Barbara Bush, the Quaker Oats person was ecstatic about the proposal, “when Willis [the Cream of Wheat Guy] approached me with his offer I accepted immediately, I can hardly wait to walk down the aisle with Cream [as she refers to Willis affectionately].” Willis was also more than modestly excited, “Let’s just say Cream has sowed his wild ‘oats’ and he is ready for a more mature field.” The wedding date, not yet set, is expected to take place in Willis’ home state of Alabama, where he was only allowed to be served to patrons in the colored section during his youth. The wedding expects to be a huge draw, with Aunt Jemima, serving as Matron of Honor and Count Chocula as Best Man. Captain Crunch, while known within the breakfast world circle as a racist, has declined comment on the wedding announcement.

Washington, DC - March 18th, 2005 - Study Concludes that Affluent are Victims of Their Own Achievements- The Center for Liberal Studies (CLS) - a Washington based think tank - concluded after a five year study that the affluent are simply victims of their own successes. The study was completed with an eight million dollar grant by Congress and has exposed many of the false beliefs surrounding the successful and affluent. David Rosenstein, Executive Director of the CLS, stated, "This study has proven that the Rich, like the underclass, are not responsible for their actions, the ‘pre-Rich’ simply get caught up in a cycle of diligence and goal achievement that engulfs them and leads them to hopeless levels of wealth.” Rosenstein continued, “These people are trapped at a young age by valuing education and hard work – they are victims, plain and simple, and should not be held accountable for the enormous wealth or jobs they create for the economy.” Carol Strassen of the Washington Post further explained, “This study has struck a blow to long believed myths, that the rich actually work harder, or are smarter, or just have more drive than those who live near or below the poverty level, we now see the rich for what they truly are: victims caught up in a vicious cycle of setting and achieving goals.” After Rosenstein’s Study was unveiled to Congress, Senate and House Leaders have promised to look further into this problem and see what if anything can be done to help the less fortunate rich.

Sacramento, CA – March 23rd, 2005 – Californians Urged to Vote Yes on Question 8, Section D, Sub-Section 4 – Throughout the Golden State, voters are being urged by Democrats to vote Yes on the referendum on Tuesday’s ballot hidden in Question 8, Section D, Sub-Section 4. Without getting into the specifics, Senator Diane Feinstein commented from the steps of the Capitol, “It is imperative to vote yes on Question 8, Section D, Sub-Section 4, but just as imperative to vote no on Question 6, Section A, Sub-Section 1.” Over the last fifteen years, California Law Makers have increasingly went to the public over issues ranging from stadium financing to lawn care servicing in the State’s Public Parks. To make time for this true form of Self-Government, the California house is seeking to make two paid legal holidays a year simply to allow time for the public to get up to speed on all of the important issues in the state. Fernando Arias, the State’s Comptroller commented, “the average time to vote on Referendums in California has went from four minutes in 1988 to two hours and twelve minutes in 2004, the people need time to look into their soul on all these issues and not have to worry about work while doing so.” Arias urges voters to vote yes on Question 3, Section B, Sub-Section 1 if they would like to receive two paid holidays annually while looking at the referendums on up-coming ballots.

Miami Beach, FL – March 16th, 2005 – O.J. Vows to find Lacy Peterson’s Real Killer - Speaking outside his Southern Florida mansion on Wednesday morning, O.J. Simpson made a solemn promise to search, find and bring to justice Lacy Peterson’s real killer. After first offering up his alibi for Christmas Eve in 2002, Simpson went on to express his rage that Scott Peterson was found guilty and now has been sentenced to death. “Scott is a gentle and kind person who could never hurt anyone,” Simpson stated, “I mean he knew how to keep his bitch in line, but would never kill her or anything, besides he lacks the resources to cover up a crime of this magnitude.” Simpson befriended Scott Peterson in a California State-mandated preventive abuse class in July of 2001 and found they had a lot in common. Simpson had even went as far as to put Peterson in contact with Johnny Cochran for Peterson’s inevitable appeal. In an interview with Jet Magazine, Cochran discussed how the race card is going to be tough to play in this case, but he will attack the Anti-German bias of two Hispanic-Americans on the Jury that convicted Peterson. Failing to site his resource, Cochran commented “It’s a well known fact that Hispanics are out to get Germans, and how Peterson’s attorney failed to strike the two Hispanics during voir dire is beyond me, if the spic don’t fit you must acquit.”

Los Angeles, CA – March 23rd, 2005 - Teary-eyed Spongebob denies Molesting Children While Working at the Krusty Krab – Spongebob Sqaure Pants, who has developed into a cartoon icon for both children and adults alike, greeted the press in an uncharacteristic somber fashion, after molestation charges were leveled against him. “I will be vindicated” he explained to the press outside his attorney’s office, “ask Patrick Star or Gary and they will tell you that Plankton’s obsession with world domination is behind these malicious accusations.” The initial charges against Spongebob came from Sandy Cheeks after not getting any sleep for three days and involved her nephew who came to visit from Texas. After this charge, came four more charges from frequent patrons of the Krusty Krab. After receiving a few cookies from Spongebob, his loyal pet snail, Gary commented on the charges, “Spongebob is friendly – that’s it – he’s friendly to everyone, everywhere, including small boys.” Nickelodean is watching the case closely as advertisers have put the network under a microscope since the charges have been leveled. In the wake of this announcement, an episode with a guest appearance by Michael Jackson has been cancelled.

Pinellas Park, FL – March 31st, 2005 – Schiavo Family Settles Debate with a Coin Toss – In a strange ending to the Schiavo tragedy, the parents of Terry Schiavo and her husband Michael, decided this morning to settle Terry’s struggle with the toss of a coin. After much debate on what coin to use, Terry’s parents and Michael finally agreed upon a 1981 Susan B. Anthony Dollar that was found in the bottom of one of Terry’s old garment bags. Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, was on hand to flip the coin. Terry’s parents, Bart and Adelaide were given the choice of head or tails. After selecting heads, the coin was tossed and within moments it landed tails side up. Michael Schiavo was ecstatic as he began to high-five friends and medical staff that attended the event. Bart on the other hand began clamoring “two out of three, two out of three.” After settling down and accepting their daughter’s fate, Terry’s mother Adelaide commented, “Although I don’t agree with God’s choice of tails, Terri is now with God and has been released from all earthly burdens.” Another coin toss is set for tomorrow morning between Michael and Bart, to determine who will be allowed to remove Terry’s feeding tube.

Chicago, IL – April 1st, 2005 - Corn Futures Rally on Rumor of Pope's Death – Prices on corn futures rallied at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange today as grieving Latinos are expected to turn to tortillas as a comfort food. Contracts for April delivery of corn closed up 14% today, the biggest one day gain since KFC added corn-on-the-cob to their menu in October of 1987. John Santelli, a trader with Borscht Futures House, spoke on the rally, “when we heard his [the Popes] blood pressure dropped and his breathing slowed dramatically, the excitement on the floor got contagious, we couldn’t fill client orders fast enough.” By 10:45 A.M. Eastern, April Corn Contracts were up 22%, they settled back down as a Vatican press release stated that God had stabilized the Pope’s breathing a bit. Pepsico, Inc. (PEP:NYSE) shares were among the largest losers today on Wall Street, off 8% as news of their un-hedged corn position at the company’s Taco Bell Chain caused a sell-off. Larry Wyndotte, Pepsico’s C.O.O. commented, “we should have loaded up on corn a few months back when the Pope started ailing, but we’re just going to have to make do with our existing corn product inventory once our stores [Taco Bells] start to get littered with Hispanics.”

Vatican City – April 7th, 2005 - Vatican Announces World's First African-American Pope – Much to the chagrin of Catholics worldwide, the Vatican confirmed earlier today that Shawntell Reynolds of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania will be moving into the highest Papal position as of May 2005. A spokesman for the Roman Catholic Church commented on this historic announcement from the steps of the Vatican, “Pope John Paul II was a strong believer in affirmative action and we feel this step will erase years of injustices that racial minorities have suffered at the hands of the Catholic Church”. Reynolds, a Baptist who converted to Catholicism in the mid 90s was elated by this announcement, “I can hardly wait for me and my boyz to get up in that Vatican and flake and perpetrate on the pressing issues of these times.” Al Sharpton had mixed feelings about the news hoping that his followers would not all convert to Catholics, but happy for the 36-year old, twice-convicted felon Reynolds, nonetheless. The announcement prompted Writers for the FOX network to scramble into action as a pilot episode of “The Fresh Pope of North Philly” is expected to air in June.

Washington, DC – April 14th, 2005 – Study Concludes Poor, Middle Class use More Than Their ‘Fair Share’ of Tax Receipts – In a two year study by the conservative think tank, Enlighten the Left with Facts (ELF), the group has shown that the poor and the middle class have in fact been taking advantage of the top 20% of income earners in the U.S. for decades. Among other things, the study proved that net federal tax receipts generated by the top 20% yields nearly 80% of tax revenue, while the bottom 80% of wage earners yield only a paltry 20% of tax revenues. Lloyd Christmas, ELF’s top researcher, spoke on the subject before Congress, “Our study shows conclusively, that the poor and the middleclass are mainly ‘free-riders” - after all, they tend to have more children, frequent publicly sponsored venues more often, and are more apt to have entanglements with law enforcement efforts, all issues that require tax revenue to be spent.” Christmas, heated, went on to state that many of these free-riders tend to be employed in the over-bloated and overpaid public sector, causing a double-whammy to the pocketbooks of those earning in the top 20% nationally, “We pay with tax dollars for their menial, break-laden employment and then we pay to get their numerous kids on a bus and off to school and then we pay again when somebody’s baby’s daddy gets arrested for trafficking narcotics.” Hillary Clinton was visibly shaken by this revelation and has pledged to only punish the wealthiest 5% for a recently approved Head Start bailout.

Washington, DC – March 25th, 2005 – NAACP sues NFL, Claims Racism is to Blame for Lack of Black Punters and Place-kickers - Fresh off the tailwinds of enlightening America about the lack of Black coaches in the NFL, the NAACP is seeking answers on another racially sensitive issue: the lack of black punters and place-kickers in the NFL. Thurgood Willis, the NAACP’s Eastern Region Director spoke to Congress about his organization’s lawsuit against the NFL, “African-American men are good enough to run, catch, block and tackle, so why not kick? I’ll tell you why, white coaches in the NFL have conspired to keep African-Americans away from the limelight of a punt that goes out of bounds at the five-yard line or the euphoria of a game winning field goal, these positions get reserved for white men, and occasionally a diminutive Central American.” The NFL refrained from appearing before Congress about the lawsuit, but in a written letter accepted partial blame for not getting African-Americans more involved in the gridiron’s kicking game. The NFL has promised to work with college football programs to scout the soccer fields of inner-city America looking for the next great African-American Punter or Place-kicker. In addition, many African-American players in the NFL have voiced concern over being forced into skill positions by their college coaches and not being offered their position of first choice. Barry Sanders claims this is part of the reason he left the game and the former Dolphin Running Back, Rickey Williams will be retooled in his come back this year as he attempts to become the Buffalo Bill’s new Punter.

San Diego, CA – April 21st, 2005 – Shooting Death at Special Olympics Blamed on Inadequate Parking – During a tragic chain of events at the annual Special Olympics held in Northern San Diego yesterday, a paraplegic fatally shot a quadriplegic in a feud over a parking space. Darnell Northridge, the alleged shooter, was frustrated when his mother’s customized Cadillac Escalade was cut in front of by a Volkswagen Bus carrying the victim, Harry Dunn. Witnesses at the scene claimed Northridge, who ironically was put in a wheelchair due to a gang-related shooting seven years ago, rolled out of the Caravan swearing and open-fired at the Volkswagen with a handgun. Northridge failed to hit his target, the Volkswagen’s driver Janice Kirkland, and instead shot Dunn twice, with the fatal shot entering Dunn’s neck. Northridge was attending the event to participate in the 200-meter speed bump hurdles, while Dunn was to be a contestant in the 100-meter blow dash. The shooting has sparked outrage by the event’s Chairperson, Ron Wolfe, who spoke to WCTV, “Needless to say this tragedy has highlighted the trouble with parking at the Special Olympics, we have nearly two hundred handicapped participants and only twelve spots reserved for handicap parking. The contestants tend to have their adrenaline flowing in preparation for their event and should not need to worry about finding a parking spot close to the event’s entrance.” The California Legislature immediately formed an Ad Hoc committee to find a solution for next year’s parking situation at the Special Olympics and two million dollars has been allocated to hire a private valet service. Meanwhile, Northridge was released on his own recognizance, as his attorney plans a lawsuit against the Special Olympics for inadequate parking.

January 7th, 2005 - MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA –Google Stock Doubles on New Terrorism Search and Destroy Feature - Google stock doubled in early morning trading today much attributed to the companies new search and destroy terrorism feature. Google engineers feel confident that they have developed a new technique to root out terrorism in every corner of the Globe. By simply right clicking on your mouse over suspect terror regions on a Risk game board-style map on your computer, Google allows all the terrorist in that region to either be destroyed or detained for further questioning. Eric Schmidt, the company’s CEO claims that “with this break through technology, terrorism could be completely eliminated from the planet in time for our second quarter earnings report.” Sandler O’neil analysyt, Freda Felcher, has upped her rating on Google to a “Super-Duper Outrageous Buy” in light of this new feature and has placed a price tag on Google of $ 1,200.00. She feels the Google Board may even authorize a dividend payment of $ .04 per quarter starting in early 2006, allowing for a .00013% dividend yield based on her price target.

Calabassas, CA - February 7th, 2005 (Reuters) - Countrywide Financial Upgraded at Deutsche Bank – Countrywide Financial(CFC), the nation's third largest mortgage originator by volume, has seen its origination volume drop dramatically over the last two quarters. Undaunted by this fact, Deutsche Bank and Sandler O'neil Analysts have upgraded Countrywide to a buy and have both raised their price targets for Countrywide. Failing to notice the frantic pace at which insiders are dumping their shares, these analysts seem blind to the inevitable fact that Countrywide's business will continue to slow as interest rates creep up. In addition, the recent indictment for pedophilia suffered by Chairman and CEO, Angelo Madrizzio, has not seemed to alarm these analysts either. Neil Abrahamoff, the analyst who follows Countrywide for Deutsche Bank Securities, recently commented, "Although this charge against Mr. Madrizzio is in no way a good thing for Countrywide, we ultimately feel that his Catholic background is the root cause for this indictment, and we feel confident that the 11-year old involved in this alleged incident will admit to having sexual relations with Mr. Madrizzio consensually, in the sanctuary of a Catholic church". Sandler O'neil analyst, Freda Felcher, on the other hand declined to comment on this sordid revelation.

Purchase, NY – February 7^th, 2005 – Pepsico, Inc. Spends Entire Fiscal 2004 Profits on Super Bowl Advertisements – In an effort to dethrone Coca-Cola as the world’s largest beverage conglomerate, Pepsico, Inc. (PEP) spent their entire 2004 profit on twenty-two various advertisements during Super Bowl XXXIX. Commenting from the companies headquarters in Purchase, NY, Pepsico’s CEO, Burt Wilkerson, stated “we feel confident that the $ 4.4 billion we spent on advertisements during the Super Bowl will grow our market share by over 1% during 2005, furthermore, with P-Diddy as an ally we think African-Americans will realize they have another choice than just doing Coke.” Coca-cola which refrained from advertising during this year’s Super Bowl, plans to launch a Summer Ad Campaign featuring Snoop-Dog, to keep their loyal African-American customers hooked on Coke.

Jacksonville, FL – February 7^th, 2005 – Paul McCartney Blames Shrinkage in Accidental Viewing of His Penis During the Super Bowl’s Half-Time Show - Suffering back-to-back snafus during two successive half time shows, Super Bowl coordinators may choose not to air a half time show at all during next year’s Super Bowl XXXX. The latest debacle occurred when Charlie Daniels, apparently inebriated, slipped and latched on to Paul McCartney’s Pants, pulling them down, and leaving the former Beattle and Wing’s front man, fully exposed for the world to see. As Daniels slurred, “man thet things sure iz tiny”, McCartney immediately released Daniel’s grip and pulled his pants up. In a post Super Bowl press conference, McCartney blamed the rather diminutive state of his penis on the frigid sub-fifties weather in Jacksonville.

New York, NY – February 4^th, 2005 – Merrill Lynch Downgrades African-Americans from Long Term Buy to Near Term Sell – Merrill Lynch surprised the investing community with their morning call yesterday by down-grading the entire race of African-Americans. Gabriel Bernstein, Merrill Lynch’s Senior Race Analyst announced “We feel the African-American race has gotten a bit ahead of itself over the last nine quarters and view the near term prospects of this race as falling back to its mid 1980s trading range.” Recalling the mid 1980s trading range, Bernstein further commented, “the crack and AIDS epidemic hurt predominantly African-Americans, and although we don’t feel these same factors will play the roll they once did, we feel they still pose an on-going risk for the entire race”. Jesse Jackson, outraged by this downgrade, has urged all seven of Merrill Lynch’s African-American clients to move their accounts to Jackson Hewitt.

Hollywood, CA – February 11^th, 2005 – Martin Sheen Granted Life Time Achievement Award for Pissing off Republicans – In a highly anticipated new category at the Oscars this year, Martin Sheen came out narrowly victorious over Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon and Madonna in pissing off Republicans over his lifetime. Draped in a nine thousand dollar Ermenelgildo Zegna Tuxedo, Sheen had the crowd roaring with his claim, that the Republican Party “has never done anything to help the poor, as Republicans only care about their own lavish lifestyles.” While watching Sheen leave the gala event in Sheen’s brand new two hundred and eighty thousand dollar Mercedes Mayback Sedan, Alec Baldwin, upset about not being nominated, told reporters that he was going to move to Cuba if Sean Penn had won the award.

Sacramento, CA – January 7th, 2005 – California Grants Drivers Licenses to Illegal Immigrants and Mentally Retarded – In an effort to quell a backlash of discrimination claims, California’s State Assembly voted this morning to allow the licensing of illegal immigrant drivers as well those stricken with Down Syndrome, however the licensing of illegal immigrants stricken with Down Syndrome failed to pass in the House by a narrow margin. Barbara Boxer (D-California) commenting on the passage for licensing illegal immigrants stated, “This is indeed an historic and glorious time for those who have stolen into our country illegally, they will now be entitled to drive on our roads without the fear of prosecution”. Progressive Insurance was delighted by this passing as well, CEO, Burt Shiltson at an investor conference, unveiled the companies new state mandated Un-insured Mexican Coverage and announced, “This should be a banner year for Progressive, we feel confident our actuaries will have our UIDS (Un-insured Down Syndrome) Policy ready for the market by March.” Progressive share were up 8% in early trading. In further news, referendum 287-UMC will be voted on by California Constituents in March, on whether or not to make all traffic signs bilingual.

Washington, DC – January 14th, 2005 – United States to Restate Official Budget Numbers from 1868 – 2004 – The General Accounting Office (GAO) of the United States, after reviewing the last 137 years of budget numbers found some rather large improprieties and thus will be restating the official budget numbers from that period by the end of calendar year 2005. Based on conclusions drawn by various Washington, DC based economic think tanks, the official cumulative budget deficits over the last 137 years have been understated by about $ 68 Trillion. George Bush, commented on this matter from the steps of The Capitol, “whew, now that’s a few more zeros than we’d like to see and we’ll smoke out who’s responsible for misunderestistating these numbers, we’d certainly hate to mislead voters into thinking our economy is in better shape than it is.” Bush went further, stating “Teddy Delano Roosevelt’s Reconstruction policies after the War of 1812 probably have a lot to do with these numbers.” In addition the GAO, prodded by the various think tanks, pointed out that the true percentage increase for inflation has been about 8% above the reported numbers annually over the last 25 years, if you included basic necessities of life, like food, shelter and healthcare. Although no legal sanctions exist for feloniously reporting the Government’s Budget, this restatement has stirred Congress into action. There are currently two bills on the table to keep any member of Government from being held accountable for fraudulently misleading the American People. In other news, Martha Stewart will be hanged tomorrow for selling 2,000 shares of Pets.com in 1998 based on her broker’s advice.

Albany, NY – January 21st, 2005 – Attorney General Spitzer Lambastes Blockbuster for Racial Profiling and Egregious Late Fees – With an announcement that promises to impact the entire video/DVD renting community, Elliot Spitzer set his sites on the well known behemoth of that industry, Blockbuster Video. “Once again Blockbuster has misled its’ customers, this is like the “must see” star they put on “The Terminal” when they were granted exclusive rights to it last December,” Spitzer commented during a break from his Netflix Board Meeting on Thursday Morning. Blockbuster has been under increasing pressure since a story broke last year in which an African-American couple claimed they were charged a larger extended viewing fee than a white couple. Although details on this incident are sparse, Spitzer is pushing for a part of New York’s Homeland Security Budget to enforce his “equality of renting” program.

Milwaukee, WI – January 28th, 2005 – Manpower, Inc. Unveils “Minority-Exchange-a-Month” Staffing Solution – Manpower, Inc. the nation’s largest temporary labor provider, rolled out its new “Minority-Exchange-a-Month” staffing program in early February. Larry Echelstein, CEO of Manpower, explained the idea behind the new program to investors recently, “We have found our typical minority laborer tends to stir the pot with either injury claims or ‘when my break be?’ talk, usually during the 4-8 week period after coming on board, to counter this problem we are allowing our clients to exchange minority laborers every month.” Investors cheered this announcement, as Manpower stock climbed 6% in after-market trading. Leslie Williams, of the Temporary Labor Solutions Council saw much merit in the new program, “I’m not sure what the problem is, but as soon as these minorities feel any comfort on the job, they just start taking advantage of all the loopholes in our ridiculous labor laws.” Willis Bookerson, of the Fair Labor Standards Board, had a different opinion on Manpower’s new program, “It’s crazy, I mean what’s a brother supposed to do? Work 9-5 for the man and be happy for being in a country that owes me reparations.” Manpower plans on closely monitoring the progress of the new program, already in the program’s first two weeks worker’s compensation claims are down over 35%.